This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
