Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
