bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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