Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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