Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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