I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
