I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
