so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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