I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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