I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
