we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
