i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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