my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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