I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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