If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
