I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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