i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
