Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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