We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
