The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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