Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
