if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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