Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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