Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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