So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
