If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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