Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
