My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
