when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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