i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
