I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
