And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
