i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
