Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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