maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
