I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Randomize
