I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
