I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
