There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
