when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
