Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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