Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
