Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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