grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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