Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
