these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
