it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
