We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
