When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
