I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
