the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
