Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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