there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
